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I used to be terrified of the dark.  In fact, I needed a nightlight until I was 20.

It’s true.

I like to pretend I’m not afraid of anything, but the truth is, I’m afraid of a lot of things:  Bugs, heights, speed, flying objects hitting me in the face, talking to strangers, confrontation, failing, trusting people, feeling unloved, dealing with my past.

Some are deeper issues than others.  Some come from events happening in my life (like my fear of flying objects stems from being hit in the face by a football, glasses bent out of shape, my nose cut up… true story).  Some fears make me scream, while other fears literally make me hysterical, send me crouched in a corner, hyperventilating profusely, making me scared of myself.

“O Lord, you’ve searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.  You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.  Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.  If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb.  I praise you, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderfully made, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  How prescious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast the sum of them!  Were I to count them, they would number the grains of sand.  When I awake, I am still with you.  If only you would slay the wicked, O God!  Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!  They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.  Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you?  I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.  Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

I know that was long, but these verses give me comfort.  I know, that even when I’m terrified and want to run away from all the things I usually love, God has EVERYTHING under control.  He knows me better than I know myself and he takes care of me, no matter where I am.

And I really like that thought.  It helps me trust and look forward.

It’s a pretty funny thing, actually.  I actually made this graphic a long time ago, and, like many things I make, found it wasn’t relevant whenever it was finished.  I made it for completely different reasons, too.  I was excited about the new view I had found on love and romance, getting married and everything surrounding it.

But then comes confusion, all around.  I wonder, who am I to be finding view points and making up theories about all this?  I mean, seriously, I’m 24 and have never been in a relationship that had lasted longer than 6 months.  I constantly end up driving others away with my silly insecurities and pains.

And so, today, I wonder.

I told my sister once, that celibacy was the one spiritual gift, that nobody wanted.  It doesn’t sound like a terrible idea, actually.  I wouldn’t mind, if I only knew for certain, that that was what God has for me.  Like me and a good friend discussed today… it’s the constant not knowing who this person is, or is he out there at all that makes being single so hard.

Are you wondering where the silver lining is?  It seems that my last post was already pretty sad as well.  Have I suddenly fallen into a deep depression, where I have awaken from my lack of posting only to resurface with more sad postings?

No.

In fact, I have come to a deeper understanding about the way I am.  It’s like when I get to know God more, I know myself more.  The more I know God, the more I know me, the more I am readied for whatever it is, God has for me, the more I trust Him.

It’s a beautiful thing.  Basically I’ve come to understand that Love and Trust are interconnected.  You can’t love when you don’t trust, and you can’t trust if you don’t love.  All you  can do is to make a conscious choice to do either.  And so, I have decided to trust.  All the things I do out of my own will and initiative ultimately fade, having done nothing, or – worse – hurt me and send me spiraling down a path that I don’t want to go down.

And that’s me moving on…

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[bich]

–noun

Slang.

a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, esp. a woman.

This word is actually pretty inappropriate.  I would use the word in good fun, but I would never call somebody this.  Why?  Because it’s a bad word.  It’s offensive.  I don’t get offended by much, but I would get offended if somebody called me this.  I get offended when people even imply this about me.

In our Christian world, we don’t use this word, but we’ll use the words difficult, hard to get along with, proud, argumentative, bad attitude even.  Why is it that when a woman speaks her mind, puts her foot down, puts things out on the table, isn’t afraid of conflict, or knows what she wants, she is immediately labeled as these things?

We say we live in a modern world where men and women are treated equally, however, sometimes I wonder.  I wonder there still seems to be something wrong with a woman not being meek, mild, obedient, and always, always, tactful and appropriate.

I’m not saying it’s ok to be offensive, but I wonder when it’s ok for me to speak my mind, put my foot down, put things out on the table, be driven and when I cannot shy away from conflict?  I wonder how and when I can do these things without being labeled that horrible word, even just by implication?

I understand that I’m stubborn, bad-tempered, and confrontational, but when a man does that, he is stubborn, bad-tempered, and confrontational, but never that word.  Never is a man with these traits painted as a red-headed step-child with bloody fangs, waiting to devour its next victim.  It’s part of what makes him a man… an unpleasant man, but a man nonetheless.

If I have offended you, or if you think I am dead wrong, there is no need for bashing.  You may add wisdom, and whatever else you like, but no bashing my thoughts.  You must simply disagree with what I have to say today.  This might be what makes me a b***h, in your opinion, but there’s no need for namecalling.

I noticed a funny thing the other day.  When God brought the Isrealites out of Egypt, he didn’t take them the direct way, because they didn’t have enough faith to go through a war.  How is it that they had enough faith to walk through the red sea instead? It didn’t make sense in my mind or anyone else’s, however it led me back to that God sees much more than I do.    He knows me better than I do.  He knows the course of action I should take in my life better than I do.

Why don’t I trust Him then?  Why do I consistently insist on doing things my way, only to end up upset somewhere, because, once again, I didn’t listen.  I guess I really am just as silly as the Isrealites that had God prove Himself to them over and over and over again, only to rely on my own strengths and plans anyways.  I definitely need to trust more.

Worth is a funny thing.  When you are broke 1 Euro seems to be worth much more than if you have millions of them.  We assign worth to things, even when the actual worth remains the same.  1 Euro is still 1 Euro and will always be 1 Euro as long as the Euro remains.

We do the same thing to ourselves.  As human beings we have infinite worth.  God has given us this infinite worth, and yet we often see ourselves as less.  We allow our jobs, our family, our friend, potential mates to define our worth and run with that.

I have come to understand, that although God has given us worth that cannot be taken away from us, we are still the only ones that can choose how much worth is assigned to us. We can choose the worth that we feel others assign to us, or we can choose to accept the infinite worth that God has assigned to us.

Tired… so tired… why do we let ourselves get to that point where we are just beyond tired?  Where tiredness starts to consume our bodies, our souls and our minds?

Why don’t we take care of ourselves?  Why don’t we keep our sabbaths holy?  Why do we work work work work until all of a sudden all we are is a heap of coals because we have let ourselves become dry?

“Come to me, all you who are weary”  I hear this nearby.  I hear Him say “I will give you rest”.  I don’t think this is a call to be passive and let warm fuzzies wash over you.  I think this is a call to take time to rest.  He says COME to me.  Not I’ll come to you and you will feel restful.  We are to actively seek him and our rest.  We are to find ways to rest in Him.